…no in-between please.

I’d rather die than go on a date with someone who isn’t guaranteed to stick around–I’ve lost enough in my life and can’t handle losing more.

Emotions are high as I house-hunt in Cobb county which is a strange place to live compared to other places I’ve stayed. Emotions are high as I can’t shake the curiosity for why Nate won’t speak to me. I did nothing wrong. You read about him in my previous blog post and he really abruptly stopped speaking to me…that is actually normal I think–young people navigating the dating world is ALMOST humorous and DEFINITELY humiliating…I understand that people have more than one soul mate but I really thought he was the one, blah blah blah–that’s not what I’m talking about! I mean he left a couple of his things at my apartment after we went swimming and he refuses to come get the things. I’m not your mom. You can’t just leave your stuff at my place for months and years while you go wild, date girls, thrive on the golf course and then only check in with me to get milk from the cow. Just…whatever

If only I cared. I think he can sense that I don’t care and that’s what gets under his skin. In the practical aspects I do want to marry him + marry him because why not–we aren’t 16 anymore. We are grown adults…at least I know our brains were done developing at the age of 25 and yes I take that very literally and seriously as you can guess since you know I am into medical and biological topics.

My parents take his side like, “he’s just busy”

Me (PMSing): “He’s racist against me because I’m white/Irish?” (Keep in mind this is a guy who kissed me like he meant it)

Parents: “No that’s not it.  He sounds like a nice person.”

So yes my hormones during the PMS time have me paranoid thinking I need a third deadbolt on the door since “I don’t trust anyone”and now it has me questioning whether the guy who loves me is also racist. HAHA I’m not stupid, I promise…but maybe that idea was stupid.

I know he loves me…it’s difficult to explain how I know…I just do…….but even that cannot rein in a man “Wild at Heart”. About that; if you are truly a man then you are wild-at-heart and that involves wanting ADVENTURES with a woman you love and have chosen to protect and provide for…so that’s why I see a deeper issue when men play games with women instead of being clear on their intentions.

…but how a man treats a woman is a reflection of how he treats his mother, and if I was his mother I wouldn’t mind if he was long lost for a WHILE…but that’s just my parenting style–kick him out when he is 18 is EXACTLY how I will raise my future son(s). But something inside me says a man who doesn’t call me back when I ask him to come get his stuff out of my small apartment, doesn’t call me back when I told him there was an emergency, maybe doesn’t have a good soul after-all.

It’s a catch 22 because if he calls me it will distract me from studying and currently I have mostly A’s. Today I got something like a 95 on a exam (it’s not graded yet) and that would not have happened if I was in a tumultuous relationship…so maybe silence when he doesn’t know what to say, is better than saying something he doesn’t mean in a nervous or exhausted moment.

I hate falling in love, this is not the first time I have, and I really hope it’s the LAST.

This post has capitals because I’ve been using italics appropriately for over a decade and they weren’t appreciated or noticed much, so let me be lazy now.

If you understand my Type-A personality wanting his stuff removed from my apartment therefor not allowing him to leave me on the back-burner while he explores life and god-forbid other women (I’m not jealous I just think that’s gross) then comment below.

If you think this post has too much shock-value or gossip, you should know that the reality show I was almost cast in by a Director’s Assistant in Los Angeles last year was much more crazy! My life was crazier at the time, despite career success and recognition for that and a great church family, and fun & successful siblings.

Right now I am reading “Self-Organizing Roles on Agile Software Development Teams” on a Friday night. It’s the best self-esteem boost to remember that I still have a grasp on my Software Engineering dreams and goals, and that I am capable of engineering…that I am steady and focused enough to read articles like this that don’t get a grade, but that just interest our social group of developers/Gamers.

Anyway, if anyone wants to go drink Pink Champagne with me, I think it hurts no one to get wasted drunk once or twice a year.